Friends, tears and defining values

I’m not going to lie. Heading back to work that month was hard. I was nowhere close to having my head on straight and was not ready for any form of conversation about the future. I vividly remember the drive that first morning. I tried to make it as mundane as possible: making lunch, leaving at the same time, and stopping for Starbucks. But the closer I got to the office, the more I could feel the simmer of my emotions ratcheting up to a boil. Three minutes away from the office, the tears started. I was coming completely unhinged and had not had the foresight to pack an emergency makeup bag to fix myself up. People assumed I was still tired from my New Year’s Eve festivities. I’ve been known to “play hard” occasionally, so I played the part. It let me off the hook for explaining what was wrong.

In retrospect, I think some of what kept me going was my son’s busy rep hockey season. Playdowns had started, and he was on the ice four to five days a week, and I was lucky to have a great group of hockey moms. Before Christmas, practice nights were typically nights that I would stay home for some much-needed me time. But things were different now: I couldn’t trust myself to be alone with my thoughts. I needed everyone’s positive energy to bathe over me like a blanket that I could cuddle into, making me feel safe and marginally relaxed. So I would throw on my rink uniform of yoga wear, thigh-length winter coat and warm boots and go hang out at the rink. Some nights I would sit quietly and listen to the banter and shared stories; other nights, I would join in. Depending on who was there, I would open up a bit and talk about what was going on at work and get opinions and perspectives from the other career-focused moms.

If I wasn’t at the rink, I was texting with the Association of Namaste Motherfuckers (ANMF), a tight group of girls that I had been folded into with open arms thanks to my best friend. It’s funny: this group of moms came into my life when I started to feel things going south. I love them dearly. None of us are or try to be perfect -- well, they may say differently about me concerning the “trying” part. We each have our own neuroses and love picking on and making fun of each other when we are being obtuse, which luckily happens with great frequency. Knowing I had a strong supportive team on my side gave me comfort and a sense of hope. They were there each morning with pep-talk texts, silly emojis or gifs on my way to work, and checking back in at the end of the day.

That first weekend after returning to work, I spent on the couch defining my core values. Many people think of values as part of what a company develops to show they have a heart and care about their employees and communities. If you give it some thought, you’ll realize there are some beliefs or guiding principles you apply daily, dictating how you act. In my research and reading at the time, I came across discussions regarding the notion that we experience greater fulfillment when we live by our values. Further evidence indicates that our mental, emotional, and physical state suffers when we do not honour our values.

My mental and emotional state was certainly suffering. I was absolutely not exercising - I just felt tired and lethargic all the time. I was stress eating, looking for hits of energy through carbs and sugar, and to be truthful, I would mindlessly munch through any and all salty or sugary snacks with the hopes that I would feel a glimmer of happiness whatever I was shoving into my mouth. For a recovering bulimic, let me tell you, that is not a spot that you want to find yourself in. My self-perception was warped in more ways than one. This dark tunnel was one of self-destruction.

Over the weekend, I could put into words what I knew in my heart were my core values.

I worked through words that resonated with me, of which I think there were fifty or so. I grouped them into common themes and then weeded them out one by one, asking myself which words spoke to me on a spiritual level. I landed on ten words, eventually reducing them to the five I have shared. I now understood the importance of defining my “why” before defining my core values. My “why,” as I’d discovered, was to empower, educate and nurture people so that they have the confidence to think differently and share their knowledge. My core values were in perfect harmony with that.

The dots were beginning to connect themselves. I welcomed every ounce of clarity that drifted into my tired mind. I know I need to have a creative outlet; without that, I feel stifled, like I have been confined to a room without a door. Dialogue means so many things to me: I love to brainstorm, debate, and play devil’s advocate. I love to speak at conferences, sing and play music and write. Learning is something that is lifelong, whether it’s learning a little about a lot or a lot about a specific topic. I am a person who likes to be a resource for others. I like to play the role of advisor. Give me a problem to research and come up with solutions, and I am a happy girl. Trust is interesting. For me, trust means that I need to have an aspect of trust in the person I am dealing with. I need to have a sense of connection. I need to feel a person out before I can decide if I like them, if I can work with them if I can be my authentic self around them. Compassion could be substituted with empathy, but to me, empathy runs deeper. Compassion means I can understand and relate to a person’s point of view. Empathy, on the other hand, means not only can I understand and relate, but I can feel what a person is feeling. I can experience something as if it’s my own. Empathy infers there is a connection between the other person and me.

I had never considered that not everyone thinks or feels the same - not everyone needs that level of trust and compassion. I cannot force my values on others as they cannot force their values on me. By the same token, I don’t need to suppress my values to protect myself: instead, I must learn to communicate my values to improve my interactions with others. I needed to learn to invest my time in the discovery of the values of others in order to understand how to best navigate those interactions. Perhaps this was the reason others felt I was too sensitive. My values included the need to connect with others because of my ability to sense their emotions and body language so acutely.

Originally published on November 15, 2020 (https://girlintheredhatblog.wordpress.com/)

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If you are battling an eating disorder such as Bulimia, please know that you are not alone. Here are some really good resources to help you on the road to recovery.

• National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC)

• Understanding and Finding Help for Eating Disorders