Perfecting how to fit in
- The Girl in the Red Hat
- Dec 13, 2022
- 4 min read
One of the reasons I love speaking and educating is finding unique ways to tell a story or using an analogy to get a point across. Developing an analogy can be tricky. You are comparing two dissimilar things to provide clarification or provide a further explanation; an idea that makes sense to you may not work for others.
Several years ago, I came up with an analogy for the team I was on. At that point in time, there were seven of us, myself and six men ranging in age from the early thirties to early sixties. I was in my mid-forties. The analogy I dreamed up used peacocks. Of the six men, three spent their time walking around fanning their tail feathers out as far as they could, making sure everyone knew how good they were, and pointing out deficiencies or mistakes made by others. Two of the peacocks were getting past their prime; their tails were less full, and their formerly bright feathers were fading, but they could use their years of experience to provide context, recommendations or alternative points of view when a challenge arose. The last male refused to show his tail feathers in the team's presence but, on his own, certainly knew how to use his beak and talons. Then there was me, the peahen. Unlike peacocks in the wild, the three tail-fanning peacocks were not vying for my attention: they were vying for the attention of our boss, the peacock handler.
Not everyone loved my analogy. It got a point across — just not in a way that stopped the behaviour that irritated me. In fact, one teammate went out and bought actual peacock feathers to display in his office.
I shared the analogy with Hellen in one of our earlier meetings when we were getting to know each other. After she shared with me that she thinks deep down I struggle to fit in; I realized while I was “mocking” the peacocks for walking around showing off their tails, the peahen is bland in comparison. The analogy also served to describe the differences between the men when it came to how much each one valued fitting in: The peacocks with the less colourful feathers were confident in their abilities and role on the team; the peacock who chose not to show his feathers did not care if he fit in as part of the group, and the peacocks who showed their tail feathers acted as peacocks do. As Hellen said, I just wanted to fit in and be noticed. I wanted to be a peacock, not a peahen.
It was as if a lightbulb had gone off. I started to see how all my actions throughout my entire life were guided by my desire to “be part of the gang.” I truly hadn’t understood what drove me in everything I do and did, from trying to get the highest marks in class to competing as I did with my horse and learning to play as many instruments as I could when I was younger. As I entered the workforce, I was never satisfied with being good: I wanted to be the multitalented expert that others turned to. When I became a manager, I wanted to provide the type of support I had always wanted but never quite received. I wanted to nurture, mentor and teach people how to think critically; the person others came to for advice and guidance.
At the same time, as I climbed the corporate ladder, I became more and more aware of how I differed from my team. Compassion is important to me and is a core part of who I am: however, it can be a negative when others treat it as oversensitivity. Dialogue and creativity can be bothersome habits, too -- especially when you use them to ask extended questions, seek clarification, or suggest that there might be an alternative solution beyond the one everyone else has already chosen. The hardest lesson to learn was that when you have the capacity to develop, master and excel at new skills, it is hard to break down the perceptions others have of you and what additional knowledge you can bring to the table.
Just as I didn’t believe I suffered from depression, I never thought of myself as having anxiety. I was never frozen in fear or unable to move. Like depression, there is also high-functioning anxiety, where instead of holding you back, your anxiety propels you forward. To others, you appear to be the typical A-type personality — successful, together, organized, helpful and passionate — someone who excels at work and life.
Internally, I was always struggling to control my negative self-talk in order to maintain a persona that showed the world everything was okay. I kept everything bottled up, hoping the problems would go away or I could accomplish something that gave me the validation I needed to feel that I was successful and contributing. I now understand why I would be told that I didn’t need to be perfect, to not be a “worrywart,” and that I should stop overthinking, procrastinating, dwelling on past mistakes or playing the “What if?” game. Without knowing, my colleagues and bosses were pointing out my symptoms of anxiety.
In working with Hellen, I now understand there is a correlation between my anxiety and my empath abilities. As someone who suffers from anxiety, I need to work harder to separate my feelings from others and, more importantly, not allow what I am sensing to trigger my anxiety. The better I manage my ability to block the energy from others and take time to recharge by working on a passion project or even just uninterrupted time by myself I can quieten my internal voice, the little girl that jumps up and shouts, “I’ll prove to you I’m right,” or “I am just as capable as he/she is.” In wanting to fit in, I want to feel heard when sharing my ideas or thoughts. I want to know that I am seen for whom I am and that I am needed and valued, and most importantly, people understand I can’t just ‘calm down’.
Originally published on December 27, 2020 (https://girlintheredhatblog.wordpress.com/)
If you are struggling with your mental health, please know that you are not alone. Here are some resources to help you on your road to recovery.
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